Lost Kid (Ang nawawalang bata)

I'm tired of being the lost kid. Hindi ko alam, pero for some reason, lost talaga ako. effortless maging tanga at maging gullible kahit paulit-ulit na. Nakakainis. Parang bini-bigtime lang ako ng tadhana at naaaninag ko na may mukha siyang naka-belat sakin. Parang pinagkakaisahan ako ng lahat ng tao. Or feeling ko lang yun? Pero hindi. feeling ko tama ang feeling ko. Lost ako kahit kelan. Parang iniluwal ako ng nanay ko para sa gustong manloko at mambully. Siyempre, walang bully kung walang i-bu-bully. Ako yung binu-bully. Yung tipong papaalisin sa upuan dahil may dumating na gustong umupo. Yung utusan ng lahat at ituturo ng nakararami kung wala na silang choice. Oo ako yun! Pero, hindi ako nag-se-self pity ha. Mind you. Hindi ako marunong nun. I'm just stating a fact that seemed to be obvious. Kasi nga ganun talaga ako. Bukod pa sa lapitin ng bullies at loko-loko, ako ay napaka-clumsy effortlessly. Ewan. Ako yung tipong taong pag lumabas na ng kuwarto para pumasok, babalik dahil may nakalimutan. Aalis at babalik ulit. At siyempre, recordbreaker ako. Araw-araw yan. Lagi akong may nakakalimutan ng hindi sinasadya. Kahit na may nakalista ng dapat dalhin, meron at meron pa ding maiiwan sa loob. parang tae lang na hindi lahat lumalabas. meron at meron pa ding naiipon. (sorry sa comparison, wala na akong maisip. ang tae kasi madali siyang ikumpara sa kahit ano). Besides that (siyempre english), lagi akong nadadapa o may natatapakan na tao o nauuntog sa kung saan-saan. In short, di lang bullies ang lumalapit sa akin. Oo, tama. Pati ang aksidente, na walang buhay at hindi humihinga, nakiki-bully na din. Ganun talaga. Kaya masarap akong asarin at lokohin, dahil hindi ko man sadyain, sadyang tanga at lost lang ako sa mga bagay-bagay. Nakakatawa nga pag may tinatawag akong katulong sa bahay, at ang nanay ko ay biglang hihirit: mga dalawalang linggo na siyang umuwi. Malay ko ba? In defense of myself, hindi naman kasi ako madalas nag-uutos ng katulong. Sabi naman ng nanay ko: wala ka lang alam sa kung ano nangyayari sa bahay. Well, apparently, in time, matututunan kong mahalin ang weaknesses ko. May mga weaknesses kasi tayo na sadyang di lang talaga natin mapalitan na parang I-phone lang na pinag-iipunan. Siyempre, binubuhos ko naman lahat para maging 'changed person' pero minsan, kahit ano pang effort mo, lahat ay mapupunta sa wala, parang tae na fina-flush sa bowl (sabi ko sa inyo, puedeng icompare ang tae sa madaming bagay).

Ang hiling ko lang sana ay hindi ako maging ganito forever. Hindi ko hinihiling na hindi ako lapitin ng mga bullies. Gusto ko dumating yung araw na hindi na nila ako kayang lokohin ulit dahil sa natural na katangahan ko. Lost kid? Ako yun. Wala ng iba.

Love letter

Hello my love.

You came to me in the darkest hours of my life. We barely knew each other that much but it just felt right when I am by your side. Remember what I told you, I don’t just fall in love to some random stranger asking for my heart. I had slept with handful of women and next thing I knew, they went chasing me, and I had to leave them. Some were insistent. Some gave up. But really, I did not see some spark. I saw a future as blurry as murky water. There is no certainty. No extra heartbeat. Just plain ordinary. Then I met you. I don’t know if you’re the person the angels sent to break my heart and pay my sins. I don’t know if you are an assassin geared to wound my heart until it bleeds. Maybe you are. Because your absence is killing me, tearing my heart to pieces. The truth is, I’m missing you, every second of the day. And when you’re there, I want my arms wrapped around you never letting you go because you might leave and never came back. I want you to want me the way I want you. You see, it seemed that love wasn’t enough. Not even close.

And there was another problem. We couldn’t go to the depths we wish this love could tread. We are passionate about our dreams but we are heading opposite ways, so we opened ourselves to the idea that time will break us apart. When that time comes, I will know how painful it is to lose someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Justice will be served. My heart will bleed. We could not commit because apparently we fall in love to the right person in the wrong time.

What am I probably getting at? First, I want you to know that I chose you over someone I know for so long and loved me for who I am for the longest time but couldn’t give her back the love she wanted. I chose you because you are whom I want to be with even if it meant hurting someone’s feelings, because I was sure with things I wasn’t sure when I’m with her. I love you. But you can wish to leave me. You can shoo me away. You can despise me if you want; because I honestly think that I deserve all the shame in the world. Second, I want you to know how much I am into you. I want you to know that I love how imperfect you are. I want you know that even if we’re different, I am willing to learn and love your world and everything in it. That you might not matter to some people, but you are all that matter to me. I want you to save me from this misery and fill up this emptiness. I want you to be my crying shoulder when my world breaks down. I want you here beside me making love all night long.

Love, like any other things in the world, is complicated. You get to love somebody, they leave you like a trash. You get to love someone who loves you in return, you see yourself battling forces that are keeping you away from each other’s arms. For now, I will just content myself loving you without expecting much in return. It’s better off that way.

I don’t know if I get to meet more interesting people in the future. I don’t care. You’re the one I want now. I love you so much and I can kill you by just squeezing you tight. Please be by my side tonight.

Summer Threesome Awesome

Apart from the trip abroad and summer getaways with friends which I enjoyed a lot during the month of April this year, I spent the rest of the summer burning my butt enjoying movies of all sorts, reading books, listening to music and some podcasts. So I decided to have a rundown of my top picks of everything I did this summer. Here are trios of my paboritos that had made my summer days, well, worth the bum:

THREE BOOKS

1. OUTLIERS by MALCOLM GLADWELL

This book is one of a kind. Gladwell is genius! We often attribute success to talents, hardwork and skills but this must-read book views success in a quite different angle. There is more to talents and hard work for someone to be an outlier. And it takes a lot of hardcore research and data gathering to prove Gladwell's theory. Hint: It's not genetics either.

2. THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN by MITCH ALBOM
I finally got the chance to read this book after buying it a year ago during my sophomore year in Medicine. Mitch Albom is my second favorite author after Coelho and I had to confess that I prefer reading books that are inspirational and in some ways, life-changing. The novel answers the questions: What happens after death? Who will you meet? It is a very moving read that tells you life is just and fair, in spite of tribulations that we encounter on earth.

3. BRIDA
For some reason, this emerged as my least favorite Coelho novel. Maybe, I wasn't a fan of magic and witchcraft. Or it was the redundant life lessons of Coelho that deserve the yawn. I got some good lines and quotes from the novel albeit the boring plot. Here's one of my favorites: "He knew that he was not her man, and she knew that she was not his woman. Nevertheless, they surrendered to their love, leaving life in charge of separating them when time came." Hindi naman halatang emo ako sa pag-ibig noh? hehe. But in all fairness, the book made me believe in soul mate.

THREE MOVIES

1. THE DEPARTED

If there is something I love about this movie, it has to be the mind-twisting and fantastic plot by the legendary director Martin Scorsese. I love how the story progressed, leaving you some questions and provide you some shocking revelations when the movie was about to end. The Departed is not your typical action flick, it is thought-provoking from start to finish. A great movie not to mention the star-studded casts.

2. 500 DAYS OF SUMMER
I enjoyed this movie because I can personally relate to it. Tom is in love with Summer, in the truest sense of the word. But Summer wasn't looking for anything serious. And the painful aftermath of moving on was all Tom had to endure. One of my favorite scene was when Tom caught Summer once and asked her upfront: "You said you cannot go into a serious relationship, but here you are, married to a man whom you just met months ago" Summer answered: "Because with him, I am sure with what I was not sure with you"Truth hurts, but it was liberating.

3. TAARA ZAAMEN PAR (Every Child is Special)

This movie is simply phenomenal. Another Amir Khan masterpiece that moved the viewers to tears. On the get-go, I didn't like how the story went. I preempted that the movie would revolve around a kid who's really lazy and dumb and some heroic character would enter in the middle the movie and change the child's perspective towards his studies. But, as usual, it wasn't the way it turned out. This movie tells us about Dyslexia and how a kid struggled with the disorder amidst the pressure the society is putting on him.

THREE SONGS

1. HELLO BY MARTIN SOLVEIG FEAT. DRAGONETTE. I heard this song twice already during a party at Republiq few months back. It took me days to finally figure out its title. This song really was made for clubbing. I don't know exactly what genre does this song actually fall but it reminded me suddenly of The Veronicas and Morcheeba.

2. EDGE OF THE WORLD BY LADY GAGA. Inasmuch as I abhor Lady Gaga's sense of fashion especially the meat dress she wore during an event which is a shitload of crap, I couldn't hate her music. After the hit Judas, she came up with another masterpiece entitled Edge of the World. This along with Speechless are my top Lady Gaga songs of all time.

3. THIS WOMAN WORKS BY MAXWELL. If I have to select three of my favorite classic singers, I will choose Maxwell, Lionel Richie, or Stevie Wonder. But if I really have to pick one, I will go for Maxwell even if I admire Stevie with all my heart. The reason is this: Maxwell got the voice I could never imagine existed. I know it was bit exaggerated but his voice was just too soothing and soulful. This Woman Works was, for me, one of the greatest songs ever rendered.

Ano? Pasukan na ulit?

First day of classes is nine effin days from now. Ambilis pala! Oh well. Ang sabi nila, masarap magbakasyon. Kasi it made you miss the smell of school a lot that you cannot wait to go back and flip those books. Yun ang sabi nila. Ang sabi ko naman, masarap magbakasyon dahil masarap na walang ginagawa habang finu-fulfill ko ang isang role ng patabain sa bahay ng aking mga magulang (minus yung araw-araw nilang pagse-sermon gawa nga ng aking katamaran, yun lang ang ayaw ko). Masarap magbakasyon dahil wala kang iniisip na problema. Ang problema mo ay kung ano ang puedeng problemahin. Mas masarap ang buhay ng gigising ka nalang ng tanghaling tapat, ang pagkain ay nasa harapan mo na at kulang na lang ay subuan ka pa ng nanay mo na parang hari, manonood ng paborito mong palabas na may tse-tseryang hawak-hawak, mangga-gago ng kapatid, at mag-je-jebs. Napaka-ideal. Pero siyempre, ayoko naman ng araw-araw, pabalik-balik ako sa mga gawaing maituturing na walang kuwenta at patutunguhan. Gusto ko din naman pumasok. at mag-aral. at mag-basa ng tone-toneladang librong pang-Medisina. Kahit labag siya sa aking kalooban, kailangan naman kasing mag-aral talaga at maging isang propesyonal na magiging daan upang kumita ng datung pang-Europe tour na matagal ko ng inaasam.

Ang gusto ko lang naman iparating sa blog na ito ay ito: Ang bilis lang ng panahon. Sinisimulan ko pa lang ang bakasyon ko, pasukan na ulit. homaygad! Sana may pause button na puedeng pindutin anytime para masulit ko ang pagtulog ng labindalawang oras araw-araw.

Thoughts on RH Bill

The RH bill has had a tough go of it lately. It had stirred heated debates lately and I have been hearing it's rise and fall since time immemorial. I was not into it to begin with because I thought the answer is too obvious. Poverty results from overpopulation. So the government just needs to curb the ballooning population by introducing family planning. But watching the debate yesterday in GMA tells me how little I know on the nitty-gritty of the issue.

I do not support the use of contraception grounded simply on the basis of my religion's teachings and principles. Being Muslim at birth, the usage of artificial form of contraception is something that we do not really tolerate. When I marry, I will resort as much as possible to natural method; will probably raise 2 or 3 kids because my mind couldn't afford to raise and discipline kids more than my preferred number. This is my personal choice.

But just because I rally against contraception does not mean I dismiss the whole idea of RH bill. It is so hypocrite of me to trash RH bill just because I opt to be on the side of fundamentalists. If people respect me of my decision of being anti-contraception and resort instead to the natural way things work, I don't see the point of not respecting or worse, not giving others their free will. For me, RH bill is an opportunity people with different views and beliefs and individuals in the far-flung areas can have a full access of. I support RH bill because others might be fighting for it and probably, it's their only way of redemption. I support RH bill because I don't want to curtail others' freedom of choice. Lea Salonga best puts it in her statement during an interview "You don't need to be pro-contraception to be pro-RH."

I also believe that we shouldn't reduce the whole bill into just the issue of contraception. The provisions of the bill, in fact, capitalizes more on uplifting women's reproductive health. I have to admit that the provisions swayed me at some point because I came to realize that the bill is not simply what others might think of as providing the mass contraceptives so everyone including the teenagers, could have an access to. There is a whole lot more to the bill. It does not guarantee to be a panacea to poverty but it sure provides avenues for more sustainable health programs that could benefit women, men and children alike.

RH bill has trekked a rocky road - the church and even some members of the academe and the government kept on questioning its possible implementation along the way. I understand this because there is always downside to everything. But is it worth pursuing? I believe it's worth a try. During tough times like these, we need to seek every possible solution to the problem.

In China, a family is restricted to raise more than 2 children. This bill on the other hand, lenient as it is, just provides you an option. This bill does not sanction you for bearing a dozen of children. It only conveys the message that if you cannot stand the problem associated with your present condition, then you can choose RH bill to help you out, but if you choose not, then at least be responsible of your own future actions.

We might as well stop seeing the bill as some madmen disseminating condoms in the street for public consumption. That is just not fair.

Rebound Excessive Internet Usage

3:23 am.

Zombie mode. Not studying. Surfing. Exam day on Monday. I am not even halfway through.

Room 209, Anglo Residences.

Bed.

My clock is ticking. 3:23 in the morning and my eyes are still fixated on my laptop, leaving behind my acads and surfing the internet instead. Studied at around 9:30. Done at 1. Promised myself to sleep but no, I just can't resist the temptation. But I am not guilty because this is how I overcome my stress. It's my outlet in really trying to cope up.

I remember most of my classmates avoid the overusage of internet during exam week. There were those who really blocked their FB accounts not until the end of the hell week. There were even those who didn't dare opening their laptops. For some, this is quite martyrdom, I call it "internet fasting". The truth is it's never new to me. In fact, for almost a year, I intentionally cut my internet line just to focus on my acads. But because I felt isolated, I searched for friends and hell yeah, I tried my best to have my internet back. But the drawback is that I can't get rid of what the internet can offer. Of course, I use it most importantly for downloading important school files but I'm just wasting a lot of time just by watching youtube vids alone. I call this "Rebound Excessive Internet Usage" because when you are in a period where you are repressed of doing so many things, you'll end up doing and even becoming dependent to a certain action to that you're not used to do in the first place. That's just weird but pharmacology doesn't just speak exclusively. :)

Uncertainty

I want to write for real. I hate and blame med school for crippling a huge part of me. Of course, I dance but it was something I had given up long time ago. When you set aside something because you don’t need it for a moment, it will continue chasing you. One of many life’s ironies. Just few minutes ago I checked out my friends blogs who had them maintained almost every day. Oh how I envy them. Of course I enjoyed reading their entries but I am dying with envy. I want to write well but I am just too limited. I want to express what my heart is telling me but there were no appropriate words to put them together. My thoughts are all over the place. I haven’t improved for the longest time in fact, I was going backward in a time warp called Med school that had succeeded in tricking me. Debate has played a huge role during my later days in college. As I was starting to love debate, my Medical career started entering the picture so I had to give it up for real. Giving up what you love for something larger than life, I had once thought, but you will end up empty-handed. And then you are tricked again. Right now, I feel that much of my life was taken from me. I feel no spark nor magic anymore. I fell down from almost a super star to just plain ordinary. I feel useless.

I always had an attempt to write something. Just anything. But when my fingers find their respective places on the key boards, all I see is a blank document. There was not even an iota of idea that prompts me to get started. Only blank document and an empty brain. Then I ended up closing my computer crushed and defeated because I know there is something in me untold. So many stories to tell, but again I am just too limited. And empty. And confused.

My life in med school isn’t good (I would love to use it sucks, but I don’t want to be too hard). Aside from it curtails me from doing what I want, I feel so uncertain. Do I love med school? I did. But right now I am unsure. Do I want to continue med school? I will. I might not be sure but I will let where the current takes me; and hopefully, it will take me to my niche and my purpose in life. Sometimes, it takes forever to wait to know ones purpose. But I am willing to wait. And oh, optimism is what is left of me.

My life right now, like this blog, points to no direction. I don’t really know how to end this. But let me just leave it this way, just like what my life is right now – hanging.