Midnight paralysis

Midnight. All I could hear were the trickling drops of rain in my windowpane and the tic-tacs of my wall clock, my mind and my body in complete paralysis. 4 to 5 breaths later, I fell asleep without something to look forward to the next day, goal-less and dream-less. I woke up crossing my fingers that as I opened my eyes I wish I am somewhere else but what seemed to welcome me was the common smell of my room, the everyday hassles my current world brings, the heartaches and frustrations, the morning rush. But really, they do not matter to me anymore. Everything works in monotony and I am finally getting the hang of every bit of it. I lost all those drive and inspiration. Hopeless but do not give a damn. Uninspired in a sea of passionate individuals. Accepts mediocrity in a world where people would kill for power and strive for excellence. Up for everything life offers. All those past experiences did not mold me to become the better version of myself but instead taught me to shrug away everything good or bad that comes my way. Standing still where everything is fast-paced. Numb where everyone is feeling the pain and use it to rise again.  My life is a stagnant water waiting for yet another rainy day to be taken by its current. I feel so lost and doubts are flooding my mind. Devastated but tears do not shed no more. Confused in every sense of the word.

Come the sunrise, then the sunset, and there it was -- midnight again. The trickling of the raindrops and my wall clock's tic-tacs were music to my ears; my mind and my body in complete paralysis. 4 to 5 breaths later, I was in a deep slumber. Another day is coming but it does not matter to me. Not anymore.

The Wrath of God

It was a rainy Saturday evening in Metro Manila of December 17 when my mom called from Cagayan de Oro while I was in a bus ride on my way home. She called because she was supposed to remind me of my sister’s board exam the next day, but the highlight of the call was an ongoing typhoon called Sendong which, at that time, was on its way in wrecking havoc to thousands of Filipino lives. I gave it a shrug at first because CDO and Iligan have never undergone this kind of tragedy before. I didn’t expect things would turn out that way, not even in my wildest dreams.

CDO is one of Philippines’ best cities. Apart from its friendly people and booming economic status, it’s a place that had never experienced any mishaps before. A peaceful city in a region where guns and bombs are everywhere. A town that defies definition of urban – clean and green amidst growing establishments. Most especially, it is a city that has not been devastated by a natural calamity; you would probably think that before this destruction took place, CDO is a safe haven in Mindanao, a land of all misfortunes. Iligan, on the other hand, is known by many as the city of smile. It’s a small city occupied by Muslims and non-Muslims alike. Albeit its small population, it has become self-sufficient and has established a world of its own. Having resided in Iligan for two months, I saw its disparity from my hometown in terms of many aspects despite their proximity. Iligan is far developed from Marawi even if it’s only 45 minute drive away.

Who would have thought that one night will forever change their fate? One calamity brought them to ruins. One catastrophe almost annihilated the entirety of their population. More than 1000 people were killed by Bagyong Sendong. A thousand more were missing. Five thousand families lost their homes. Iligan and CDO turned into a zombieland in an instant. On the morning of December 18, you could see number of lifeless bodies scattered on the ground, people weeping from dead family members, destroyed homes and cars piling up like you could never imagine. The aftermath of the typhoon was too difficult to bear - more so the stories of loss from its victims. Listening to each one of them never failed to break my heart every single time. My elementary teacher and adviser Ma’am Mimi, who was almost a second mother to me back then, was one of the casualties of the typhoon. According to my sister, elementary teachers including Maam Mimi were having a Christmas party at one of the resorts in Iligan when the disaster happened. Two teachers were missing the next day after others fortunately survived. The other one was found alive. After few days however, Ma’am Mimi’s body was finally found – lifeless. She left her two young boys forever yearning for a mother. Stories like this continued to crush my heart. For a moment, Mindanao was the core of all headlines across the globe.

When I first saw this in the news, I caught myself dumbfounded for seconds. My parents along with my sister were at CDO while my brother was at Iligan when the calamity happened. I am very much thankful to God that my family has not been affected. But despite that, I felt the pain of the victims. I asked God why do this kind of thing happen? I know there should be some reason for everything but right then, right that moment, everything felt so unreasonable and illogical. What might be the reason for a typhoon to kill thousands of innocent lives and leave thousand more homeless? It was an instant battle of myself and my faith in God.

Few days before Christmas, a news reporter asked couple of victims how they felt on that moment. Surprisingly, all they could ever utter is gratitude from God for giving them another shot to life. There is still a sense of appreciation despite close encounter with death. Iligan remains the city of smile, CDO remains the city of golden friendship. Maybe, just maybe, that was the reason I was searching. There are people stronger than me and stronger than most of us. There are people chosen not simply because it was their fate to lose everything but because they are people who face life with much conviction. They were chosen because they could take it even if they do not deserve it. They were chosen because that’s what was bound to happen. In the right time, their faith shall be rewarded.

Conversation with a Random Stranger

Just an hour earlier, I had a laconic conversation with a taxi driver on my way to my aunt's condo. I forgot to ask his name but he really looks very sensible and smart. He is on his early 50s, and based on how he handles a conversation, I could tell he is among thousands of underemployed Filipinos that weren't given an opportunity to give so much more. Our conversation started when he asked me what course I'm taking and then ultimately it revolved around the story of his family life. I learned that he was a previous US embassy employee and was so much satisfied with his job and the salary it provided. When he got separated with his wife and his department was dissolved, things turned differently. His life was almost a failure. But when I asked him how he is right now, he told me life has been difficult lately but he is very happy in the company of his four daughters. His daughters are the reason for living his life with passion. He even showed me some pictures which I have this feeling he showed them to his passengers. One is already an OFW in Dubai after completing HRM. The third daughter is a nursing student in Fatima while the youngest is a highschool student in Cavite. But the bulk of the conversation was really his second daughter who is a Behavioral student in UP Manila who wanted to take up Law someday, and a member of UP's Chorale group who was sent abroad as far as Europe for Choir competitions. He was a very proud and thoughtful father. In fact, he wakes up early, cook for them and even washes their clothes if he still has an ample time. His simple wish is for her daughters to finish their education and give them the best life possible even if the income he is getting from his job is too limited but as he put it, life can still be fun even if it's crazy like a roller coaster ride. I told him (and I am really really sincere about this) that someday all his efforts will pay off. I believe that in life, all we can do is wait while we live life with enthusiasm despite its limitations. The law of nature can never go wrong. When we do something good, we will always be compensated. From the bottom of my heart, I really wish all his dreams for himself and for his daughters would come true.

It was a very inspiring afternoon.

Merry Christmas to my non-Muslim brothers and sisters!!!

prayer

my prayer for today:

God, please give me strength, just enough to make me stand. I'm tired of being weak. Please let me fight a good fight in the end without giving up.

Prozac Nation

2:06 AM. insomniac. anhedonic. depressed. Five years ago, I self-diagnosed myself with Major Clinical Depression secondary to some personality problem. I maybe am suffering from another condition called hypochondriasis. Well who cares? When I entered med school and got tangled up with the world of psychiatry (which is a subject that I hate anyway), I am becoming more reassured of everything that had transpired in my life. I believe that I need to seek medical consult, not groping my phone to call some friend and cross my fingers everything will subside after a conversation. By medical help I mean PSYCHIATRIC assistance where I could possibly understand all the imbalances of my hormones and neurotransmitters and be prescribed with a drug that could stabilize my thoughts. What prompts me to scribble my thoughts right now really is getting across a person named Elizabeth Wurtzel. Her quotes were just fitting for my condition. It perfectly explains why I am fucked up all these years. She was so inspiring. anyway, it's too late and my battery is dying. Will head up to bookstores tomorrow to search for a book called Prozac Nation, a book where she puts her heart while experiencing all those mind bugs. Good mornight.

Lost Kid (Ang nawawalang bata)

I'm tired of being the lost kid. Hindi ko alam, pero for some reason, lost talaga ako. effortless maging tanga at maging gullible kahit paulit-ulit na. Nakakainis. Parang bini-bigtime lang ako ng tadhana at naaaninag ko na may mukha siyang naka-belat sakin. Parang pinagkakaisahan ako ng lahat ng tao. Or feeling ko lang yun? Pero hindi. feeling ko tama ang feeling ko. Lost ako kahit kelan. Parang iniluwal ako ng nanay ko para sa gustong manloko at mambully. Siyempre, walang bully kung walang i-bu-bully. Ako yung binu-bully. Yung tipong papaalisin sa upuan dahil may dumating na gustong umupo. Yung utusan ng lahat at ituturo ng nakararami kung wala na silang choice. Oo ako yun! Pero, hindi ako nag-se-self pity ha. Mind you. Hindi ako marunong nun. I'm just stating a fact that seemed to be obvious. Kasi nga ganun talaga ako. Bukod pa sa lapitin ng bullies at loko-loko, ako ay napaka-clumsy effortlessly. Ewan. Ako yung tipong taong pag lumabas na ng kuwarto para pumasok, babalik dahil may nakalimutan. Aalis at babalik ulit. At siyempre, recordbreaker ako. Araw-araw yan. Lagi akong may nakakalimutan ng hindi sinasadya. Kahit na may nakalista ng dapat dalhin, meron at meron pa ding maiiwan sa loob. parang tae lang na hindi lahat lumalabas. meron at meron pa ding naiipon. (sorry sa comparison, wala na akong maisip. ang tae kasi madali siyang ikumpara sa kahit ano). Besides that (siyempre english), lagi akong nadadapa o may natatapakan na tao o nauuntog sa kung saan-saan. In short, di lang bullies ang lumalapit sa akin. Oo, tama. Pati ang aksidente, na walang buhay at hindi humihinga, nakiki-bully na din. Ganun talaga. Kaya masarap akong asarin at lokohin, dahil hindi ko man sadyain, sadyang tanga at lost lang ako sa mga bagay-bagay. Nakakatawa nga pag may tinatawag akong katulong sa bahay, at ang nanay ko ay biglang hihirit: mga dalawalang linggo na siyang umuwi. Malay ko ba? In defense of myself, hindi naman kasi ako madalas nag-uutos ng katulong. Sabi naman ng nanay ko: wala ka lang alam sa kung ano nangyayari sa bahay. Well, apparently, in time, matututunan kong mahalin ang weaknesses ko. May mga weaknesses kasi tayo na sadyang di lang talaga natin mapalitan na parang I-phone lang na pinag-iipunan. Siyempre, binubuhos ko naman lahat para maging 'changed person' pero minsan, kahit ano pang effort mo, lahat ay mapupunta sa wala, parang tae na fina-flush sa bowl (sabi ko sa inyo, puedeng icompare ang tae sa madaming bagay).

Ang hiling ko lang sana ay hindi ako maging ganito forever. Hindi ko hinihiling na hindi ako lapitin ng mga bullies. Gusto ko dumating yung araw na hindi na nila ako kayang lokohin ulit dahil sa natural na katangahan ko. Lost kid? Ako yun. Wala ng iba.

Love letter

Hello my love.

You came to me in the darkest hours of my life. We barely knew each other that much but it just felt right when I am by your side. Remember what I told you, I don’t just fall in love to some random stranger asking for my heart. I had slept with handful of women and next thing I knew, they went chasing me, and I had to leave them. Some were insistent. Some gave up. But really, I did not see some spark. I saw a future as blurry as murky water. There is no certainty. No extra heartbeat. Just plain ordinary. Then I met you. I don’t know if you’re the person the angels sent to break my heart and pay my sins. I don’t know if you are an assassin geared to wound my heart until it bleeds. Maybe you are. Because your absence is killing me, tearing my heart to pieces. The truth is, I’m missing you, every second of the day. And when you’re there, I want my arms wrapped around you never letting you go because you might leave and never came back. I want you to want me the way I want you. You see, it seemed that love wasn’t enough. Not even close.

And there was another problem. We couldn’t go to the depths we wish this love could tread. We are passionate about our dreams but we are heading opposite ways, so we opened ourselves to the idea that time will break us apart. When that time comes, I will know how painful it is to lose someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Justice will be served. My heart will bleed. We could not commit because apparently we fall in love to the right person in the wrong time.

What am I probably getting at? First, I want you to know that I chose you over someone I know for so long and loved me for who I am for the longest time but couldn’t give her back the love she wanted. I chose you because you are whom I want to be with even if it meant hurting someone’s feelings, because I was sure with things I wasn’t sure when I’m with her. I love you. But you can wish to leave me. You can shoo me away. You can despise me if you want; because I honestly think that I deserve all the shame in the world. Second, I want you to know how much I am into you. I want you to know that I love how imperfect you are. I want you know that even if we’re different, I am willing to learn and love your world and everything in it. That you might not matter to some people, but you are all that matter to me. I want you to save me from this misery and fill up this emptiness. I want you to be my crying shoulder when my world breaks down. I want you here beside me making love all night long.

Love, like any other things in the world, is complicated. You get to love somebody, they leave you like a trash. You get to love someone who loves you in return, you see yourself battling forces that are keeping you away from each other’s arms. For now, I will just content myself loving you without expecting much in return. It’s better off that way.

I don’t know if I get to meet more interesting people in the future. I don’t care. You’re the one I want now. I love you so much and I can kill you by just squeezing you tight. Please be by my side tonight.