Anxious

I am in need of something that would put this weeping heart to silence. This feeling of uncertainty is bogging me inside for the nth time. Death!

Highschool Loves

I love everything about this night. I met up with high school friends whom I hoped seeing. We went to Seaside, MOA where we had our dinner c/o Bedz and headed to Musicbank and spent the rest of our night singing at the top of our lungs. It was really a memorable night for everyone especially to us based here in Manila who had been struggling for quite some time trying to blend in. But hell yeah, we found each other back again and that is something worth celebrating.

Bottomline: this is something to be blogged about since I promised myself not to scribble my thoughts if it wasn't fun and happy. I also felt that even for few hours, I became myself again. I felt my lost self after being surrounded by old faces whom I missed a lot. Those old antics and everything worth remembering about high school were given life. Now that I'm in Med school where crying everyday is not a new story anymore and losing someone's identity is a possible tendency, I realized that I should need more time to enjoy my life and surround myself with people that I actually belong to.

Wonderful evening! :)

Motivation-less

I love writing my thoughts. I don't think I'm good at it but the thing is, I love expressing myself through words and phrases. I always felt the urge to write every time, every single day of my life, but lately, I felt so empty, running out of words, of thoughts.

I honestly felt that I am being monotonous. I don't want to write what I wrote already just because I am feeling the same thing. So I got rather tired and empty. I don't wanna talk about being sad because it wasn't healthy anymore. So apparently, there is no motivation that's pushing me to the top. Just an empty glass waiting to be filled up by an eagerness in life. And apparently, I don't want to whine anymore because it serves me no purpose at all.

Bye for now. I just hope that my motivation is lurking at the corner. I have BIG dreams and I don't want them to be shattered. Thinking of a random motivation is easy. But you know, it is always easier said than done. To engrave it on your heart and start pushing yourself in your journey to success is rather a difficult thing to do. I just wait for the time to feel it. And yes, I am not giving up because I know it will be worth the wait. :)

Of Medicine and Life

Written on November 2009

I miss writing blogs. I remember writing my last blog 5 months ago. This is so unlikely since I usually resort to writing an entry on my multiply or fb account whenever I feel blue. But Medicine barely allow me to express my thoughts: when you fail, you study, no other stuffs to fixate yourself into or you’ll fail again. And I am assuming that this write-up will take me more time to finish since I thought that the months I spent with no-blogs or not even a single entry on a notebook I bought which I supposed to scribble my thoughts on made me forget about articulating my ideas. And here I am again, making an attempt, setting aside my books, trying to breathe, and writing a blog.

Honestly, I don’t know where to begin this. I don’t know exactly what urged me to hit my laptop and scribble onto something I don’t know where to begin in the first place. Perhaps because I need to. Perhaps because there’s so much pain to contain. And sufferings. And unpaid hardwork. Perhaps because I can feel pang of tiredness enveloping the whole of me already. Perhaps because I’m near hopelessness. And I can’t be hopeless because I know I don’t deserve to be hopeless. And I need to do something.

3 months ago, I became part of The Outstanding Students of the Philippines, and I despised myself not to make it to the top 10 just because I messed up on my interview. But you know, there are always reasons behind everything. I believe that the reason would be I might put too much pressure on myself I might not handle it and break down. Because living and dwelling in mediocrity in Medicine and getting failing grades even if you dig your head on your books all night long are such typical scenarios I should have pre-empted already. It was a sad truth I should have prepared myself. I realized I wasn’t prepared enough.

Right now I am undergoing instability, what they dubbed as the coping up and adjustment period for freshmen students. There were moments I thought of giving up. And I am so much prepared to give up had it not been because of parents providing you everything and other people expecting A LOT from you. There were moments I thought I am stable and prepared to overcome the everyday hassles and bustles of Medicine life but the reality is, there’s a lot of preparation to prepare yourself into. There were also lot of fake moments – I tried to be positive even if I am drowning with the pessimism medicine life is bringing, I tried to be strong even if I am so weak I needed a lot of time to rest and reflect, I tried to be all-knowing and interested even if I despised the lessons.. All these just because I desperately wanted to survive medicine and at the back of my mind, excel. And the sad truth of not excelling or not even passing an exam is degrading, so degrading it can be enough reason (at least for me) to quit med school.

And there is also this issue of things you wanna do but you can’t do at the moment because you’re in the laboratory trying to comprehend every detail of your cadaver or at the library reading your thick books. For instance, I still wanna develop my skills in debating or resting from an exhausting college life or finding a job I could enjoy, learning how to play drums or reading books I am dying to read, or simply improving my English to read a much better version of this blog. These and hundreds of other things I wish I could have enjoyed. But Medicine necessitates me to discover the nitty-gritty of its world.

There were five months already. Five months of pure struggle. Of loneliness and frustrations. Of buckets of tears. Of hardwork and adjustment. Of starbucks overtimes. Of information overload. Of mistakes and failures. And these five aching months (again, atleast for me) are over. And this is just the beginning of another five more months and many more five months (hopefully if I survive first year) that are about to unfold. Am I geared up for this next stage? The truth is I don’t know because I don’t know what lies ahead and I don’t wanna know. This stage of my life has made me learn handful of lessons. To live the now, every single moment of your life, and making the most out of it. To not cram (AT ALL) and study atleast 2 weeks before in contrast to studying 2 nights before. To not go to Starbucks all the time and end up spending your last centavo to coffee without getting enough of your lesson. To be optimistic at all times even if you are at the verge of losing everything. To believe that there is always God to help you even if you once questioned His existence because you thought your prayers are not answered. To fill your day with happy moments, of friendship, of smiles, of positive vibes all the time because honestly, during rough times, these things will save you from the possible tendency of committing suicide (hehe).

Next semester will hopefully be redemption. A call for a change. A gradual change if not complete change because I know, it’s hard to change to someone you’re not in the first place. This is just the beginning of a rocky road I opt to trail and I don’t wanna lose this because this has been my dream, this is what I want myself to become, this is what I want my fate to lead.

DEATH

mind and soul in total paralysis. There has to be death!

PAIN

Because suffering is never ending. And PAIN is unbearable.

Lost hope. Lost soul. There's no more tomorrow.

Why do I have to feel this way?

Lost Soul

Here is the bottom line: I am traumatized, tortured by days of lonesome, misled by false hopes.

I started my second year in Medicine oozing with high spirit. I was excited. I thought that was redemption. My father was telling me about students during his time excelling during second year. They get used to the everyday hassles; everything became a mere routine. I was passionate then. It was burning I can’t wait to go back to school because I knew I had pretty adjusted. I thought I will be ahead of my game. I was prepared to face the game of my life.

But it didn’t turn out the way I want it to be. In fact, it was otherwise. I was deeply scarred, so deep, I couldn’t breathe no more. That it might take days or even longer to heal this wound in my heart. Life is unfair. Life is unjust. Life is cruel. Atleast for me. I realized then that sometimes, efforts are put into waste. And hard work isn’t enough to get what you want in life. Being a good person and being faithful weren’t even enough. Sometimes, you exhaust everything, and it wasn’t enough. I was told by my friend that everything is purpose driven and there might be some purpose why it happened: failing despite being good and all. But really, what was the purpose? It dawned on me then that in this life, there are countless scenarios where justice was an illusion. Individuals being killed harmlessly, a kid sexually harassed, a girl randomly amputates her legs in a bombing incident. All these are manifestations of how injustice ruled the world. I know I was thinking too much, but I know I have a point. What was the purpose? And it appeared to me that I was no different to a person killed in a hostage or a kid harassed, because, I myself was a victim of life’s cruelty.

I am not sure if I lost the magic of my write-ups. But it took so long for me to rant and write a blog. Because it tires the hell of me ranting about life. I am tired of being tired. So I got timid and insecure. My inferiority complex enveloped the whole of me. I got crushed self-esteem. I couldn’t even write a blog because the self-confidence was missing. And what’s worse, even my interest and passion to do other things were slowly fading. You see, my life now is pointless. It was meaningless. It points to no exact direction. Arrows go here and there. No drive. No motivation. I am a body with no soul.