Midnight paralysis

Midnight. All I could hear were the trickling drops of rain in my windowpane and the tic-tacs of my wall clock, my mind and my body in complete paralysis. 4 to 5 breaths later, I fell asleep without something to look forward to the next day, goal-less and dream-less. I woke up crossing my fingers that as I opened my eyes I wish I am somewhere else but what seemed to welcome me was the common smell of my room, the everyday hassles my current world brings, the heartaches and frustrations, the morning rush. But really, they do not matter to me anymore. Everything works in monotony and I am finally getting the hang of every bit of it. I lost all those drive and inspiration. Hopeless but do not give a damn. Uninspired in a sea of passionate individuals. Accepts mediocrity in a world where people would kill for power and strive for excellence. Up for everything life offers. All those past experiences did not mold me to become the better version of myself but instead taught me to shrug away everything good or bad that comes my way. Standing still where everything is fast-paced. Numb where everyone is feeling the pain and use it to rise again.  My life is a stagnant water waiting for yet another rainy day to be taken by its current. I feel so lost and doubts are flooding my mind. Devastated but tears do not shed no more. Confused in every sense of the word.

Come the sunrise, then the sunset, and there it was -- midnight again. The trickling of the raindrops and my wall clock's tic-tacs were music to my ears; my mind and my body in complete paralysis. 4 to 5 breaths later, I was in a deep slumber. Another day is coming but it does not matter to me. Not anymore.

The Wrath of God

It was a rainy Saturday evening in Metro Manila of December 17 when my mom called from Cagayan de Oro while I was in a bus ride on my way home. She called because she was supposed to remind me of my sister’s board exam the next day, but the highlight of the call was an ongoing typhoon called Sendong which, at that time, was on its way in wrecking havoc to thousands of Filipino lives. I gave it a shrug at first because CDO and Iligan have never undergone this kind of tragedy before. I didn’t expect things would turn out that way, not even in my wildest dreams.

CDO is one of Philippines’ best cities. Apart from its friendly people and booming economic status, it’s a place that had never experienced any mishaps before. A peaceful city in a region where guns and bombs are everywhere. A town that defies definition of urban – clean and green amidst growing establishments. Most especially, it is a city that has not been devastated by a natural calamity; you would probably think that before this destruction took place, CDO is a safe haven in Mindanao, a land of all misfortunes. Iligan, on the other hand, is known by many as the city of smile. It’s a small city occupied by Muslims and non-Muslims alike. Albeit its small population, it has become self-sufficient and has established a world of its own. Having resided in Iligan for two months, I saw its disparity from my hometown in terms of many aspects despite their proximity. Iligan is far developed from Marawi even if it’s only 45 minute drive away.

Who would have thought that one night will forever change their fate? One calamity brought them to ruins. One catastrophe almost annihilated the entirety of their population. More than 1000 people were killed by Bagyong Sendong. A thousand more were missing. Five thousand families lost their homes. Iligan and CDO turned into a zombieland in an instant. On the morning of December 18, you could see number of lifeless bodies scattered on the ground, people weeping from dead family members, destroyed homes and cars piling up like you could never imagine. The aftermath of the typhoon was too difficult to bear - more so the stories of loss from its victims. Listening to each one of them never failed to break my heart every single time. My elementary teacher and adviser Ma’am Mimi, who was almost a second mother to me back then, was one of the casualties of the typhoon. According to my sister, elementary teachers including Maam Mimi were having a Christmas party at one of the resorts in Iligan when the disaster happened. Two teachers were missing the next day after others fortunately survived. The other one was found alive. After few days however, Ma’am Mimi’s body was finally found – lifeless. She left her two young boys forever yearning for a mother. Stories like this continued to crush my heart. For a moment, Mindanao was the core of all headlines across the globe.

When I first saw this in the news, I caught myself dumbfounded for seconds. My parents along with my sister were at CDO while my brother was at Iligan when the calamity happened. I am very much thankful to God that my family has not been affected. But despite that, I felt the pain of the victims. I asked God why do this kind of thing happen? I know there should be some reason for everything but right then, right that moment, everything felt so unreasonable and illogical. What might be the reason for a typhoon to kill thousands of innocent lives and leave thousand more homeless? It was an instant battle of myself and my faith in God.

Few days before Christmas, a news reporter asked couple of victims how they felt on that moment. Surprisingly, all they could ever utter is gratitude from God for giving them another shot to life. There is still a sense of appreciation despite close encounter with death. Iligan remains the city of smile, CDO remains the city of golden friendship. Maybe, just maybe, that was the reason I was searching. There are people stronger than me and stronger than most of us. There are people chosen not simply because it was their fate to lose everything but because they are people who face life with much conviction. They were chosen because they could take it even if they do not deserve it. They were chosen because that’s what was bound to happen. In the right time, their faith shall be rewarded.