Rebound Excessive Internet Usage

3:23 am.

Zombie mode. Not studying. Surfing. Exam day on Monday. I am not even halfway through.

Room 209, Anglo Residences.

Bed.

My clock is ticking. 3:23 in the morning and my eyes are still fixated on my laptop, leaving behind my acads and surfing the internet instead. Studied at around 9:30. Done at 1. Promised myself to sleep but no, I just can't resist the temptation. But I am not guilty because this is how I overcome my stress. It's my outlet in really trying to cope up.

I remember most of my classmates avoid the overusage of internet during exam week. There were those who really blocked their FB accounts not until the end of the hell week. There were even those who didn't dare opening their laptops. For some, this is quite martyrdom, I call it "internet fasting". The truth is it's never new to me. In fact, for almost a year, I intentionally cut my internet line just to focus on my acads. But because I felt isolated, I searched for friends and hell yeah, I tried my best to have my internet back. But the drawback is that I can't get rid of what the internet can offer. Of course, I use it most importantly for downloading important school files but I'm just wasting a lot of time just by watching youtube vids alone. I call this "Rebound Excessive Internet Usage" because when you are in a period where you are repressed of doing so many things, you'll end up doing and even becoming dependent to a certain action to that you're not used to do in the first place. That's just weird but pharmacology doesn't just speak exclusively. :)

Uncertainty

I want to write for real. I hate and blame med school for crippling a huge part of me. Of course, I dance but it was something I had given up long time ago. When you set aside something because you don’t need it for a moment, it will continue chasing you. One of many life’s ironies. Just few minutes ago I checked out my friends blogs who had them maintained almost every day. Oh how I envy them. Of course I enjoyed reading their entries but I am dying with envy. I want to write well but I am just too limited. I want to express what my heart is telling me but there were no appropriate words to put them together. My thoughts are all over the place. I haven’t improved for the longest time in fact, I was going backward in a time warp called Med school that had succeeded in tricking me. Debate has played a huge role during my later days in college. As I was starting to love debate, my Medical career started entering the picture so I had to give it up for real. Giving up what you love for something larger than life, I had once thought, but you will end up empty-handed. And then you are tricked again. Right now, I feel that much of my life was taken from me. I feel no spark nor magic anymore. I fell down from almost a super star to just plain ordinary. I feel useless.

I always had an attempt to write something. Just anything. But when my fingers find their respective places on the key boards, all I see is a blank document. There was not even an iota of idea that prompts me to get started. Only blank document and an empty brain. Then I ended up closing my computer crushed and defeated because I know there is something in me untold. So many stories to tell, but again I am just too limited. And empty. And confused.

My life in med school isn’t good (I would love to use it sucks, but I don’t want to be too hard). Aside from it curtails me from doing what I want, I feel so uncertain. Do I love med school? I did. But right now I am unsure. Do I want to continue med school? I will. I might not be sure but I will let where the current takes me; and hopefully, it will take me to my niche and my purpose in life. Sometimes, it takes forever to wait to know ones purpose. But I am willing to wait. And oh, optimism is what is left of me.

My life right now, like this blog, points to no direction. I don’t really know how to end this. But let me just leave it this way, just like what my life is right now – hanging.